The Cavalier

The Cavalier is a Three Musketeers-type villain who is a skilled fencer, wielding an electrified rapier. I've only read two of his appearances, his original 1943 story, and a brief fight in Knightfall where the Cavalier doesn't even get a word out before being beaten down by Batman. In the issue where he did have lines, he spoke in a strange, colorful, and somewhat pompous English, strange even by old comics standards. I had to look up quite a few words (like varlet), so he's not only a Batman villain, he's educational! Recently, in some comics I didn't read myself, the Cavalier was revealed to be involved in a secret gay affair with Captain Stingaree, the realism of which was debated here. The gay thing really isn't surprising, in his inaugural appearance, Robin calls the Cavalier a "rainbow," which... may not have meant that at the time, but it's kinda funny in retrospect.

Pros: I'm drawing a blank here.

Cons: The very first thing the Cavalier ever said was "That baseball you coddle interests me mightily, stripling!" which tells you all you need to know about how well the character fits with the modern, semi-realistic version of Batman we see in the movies.

How I'd do it: Something like in Knightfall where Batman silently beats down a weird looking guy in a Three Musketeers outfit would have worked perfectly in the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher movies, but it's a little too goofy for Christopher Nolan's Batman.

Casting Guesses: Will Ferrell. His dialogue in his initial appearance had me hearing Will Ferrell's voice in my head, reminiscent of his Black Knight character on that one Family Guy where he calls Peter a fizzle.

Verdict: Verily, though it pains me to say so, we shan't be seeing the Cavalier any time soon.

Batzarro

Either from Superman comics, the Legion of Doom from Superfriends, or from Seinfeld, lots of people are familiar with Bizarro, the opposite version of Superman. But recently, Batman got his own version of the bizarro character, Batzarro. Batzarro does the same opposite talk as Bizarro, and wears both his utility belt and the bat logo on his chest upside down.

Pros: Batzarro's a fun idea, comics-wise.

Cons: It's a fun idea, but mostly a one note joke. It's too weird a concept for even a Fantastic Four movie.

How I'd do it: I don't think there's a way to turn an opposite Batman into a realistic-ish character that would remain in any way Batzarro.

Casting Guesses: Christian Bale in heavy makeup?

Verdict: Nope. Smallville had to go to great lengths to change Bizarro to get him to fit in their world, which is considerably wackier than the Superman movies, which are in turn considerably wackier than the Batman movies.

Captain Stingaree

Karl Courtney ran a pirate-themed restaurant, but at some point flipped out, believing there were three men who shared the role of Batmen, and that they were his three brothers. So he became a full-on pirate-themed villain, determined to get back at his Batmen brothers. Interestingly, in 1976, almost 20 years before Speed, Captain Stingaree's plan began by planting a bomb in Commissioner Gordon's car that would explode if he dropped below 50mph. I think Keanu Reeves owes Captain Stingaree some royalty money. There's a loving tribute to a later issue (which I've never read) in Captain Stingaree's introductory arc over here.

Pros: Did you hear about that new pirate movie? It's rated "Arr!" That's the best joke ever. And with, I think, no more Pirates of the Caribbean movies coming, a Captain Stingaree appearance would give me new opportunities to use that awesome joke.

Cons: Those three movies probably exhausted the public's appetite for pirates for a good while.

How I'd do it: Bruce and Lucius use the high tech boys at Wayne Enterprises to make a seriously high tech 19th century sailing ship, and Batman hits the high seas on the Bat-Clipper, headed to the Barbary coast. Does that still exist?

Casting Guesses: Bald eyepatch guy? How about Battlestar Galactica's Saul Tigh, Michael Hogan?

Verdict: Unless the writers and producers break open a barrel of rum or grog or whatever, we won't be seeing Captain Stingaree. Sorry, pirate fans.

News & Notes

Don't forget to vote in the poll on the right side of the page! Here are a few Bat-related links:

• Mental Magma is holding a contest to pick the celebrity who is most obviously not Batman.


• Bam! Kapow! writes a letter urging Christopher Nolan to pick Black Mask as the next villain.


• TV Catwoman Julie Newmar says Angelina Jolie should be Selina Kyle.


• Movie Blaze has a very detailed plan for the next movie and its villain.


• Comic Book Resources has a trailer for Batman: The Brave and The Bold which, though the total opposite of The Dark Knight in tone and aimed for kids, still looks completely awesome.

And some other places around the web have offered up their own speculation on the next Batman villain: here, here, and here.

The Trigger Twins

Tad and Tom bump into each other in a bank, both attempting to rob it at the same time. They come to the conclusion that they must be twins separated at birth, because they look exactly alike, and walk, talk, and shoot like bandits straight out of an old western. They head to Gotham together and work for a mobster, who nicknames them the Trigger Twins after some comics he read as a kid. Tad and Tom appeared in the unquestionably popular and memorable (but not very good, in my opinion) Knightfall storyline, and got their asses kicked by a monstrous, non-Bruce Wayne version of Batman while trying to rob a subway money train.

Pros: Knightfall was popular, so for minor villains, a lot of fans will remember them.

Cons: I like a good western, but two dudes with ten gallon hats and six guns running around shouting "yee-ha!" while they rob a Gotham Bank seems a little out of place.

How I'd do it: I want to say I'd ditch the Trigger name and the cowboy theme, but if you do that, no one would recognize them as the Trigger Twins.

Casting Guesses: Nathan Fillion and Thomas Jane. I don't know about twins, but they could pass for brothers. That's a lot of talent to waste on two crappy parts though.

Verdict: The Trigger Twins might say "in a pig's eye," or at least I think that means no way.

Crazy Quilt

Crazy Quilt is a former painter who is blinded in an accident, but regains his sight with the help of a scientist. Wearing a high tech helmet with cameras wired directly into his brain, he sees better than before... a little too well. The intensity of the colors he sees drive him insane, and he puts on some kind of amazing technicolor dreamcoat costume and uses his helmet, which appears to shoot lasers and hypnotic multicolored beams of light to aid him in his villainy. Pretty lame, but I actually think that's a cool cover (Detective Comics #535, art by Gene Conlan, I think?).

Pros: There isn't much bright color in these Batman movies. So Crazy Quilt would be a change of pace. If that's even a good thing, I don't know.

Cons: Naming yourself after a quilt doesn't really strike fear in your enemies.

How I'd do it: At most, I might have Batman walk past a cell in Arkham where a lunatic is sewing together brightly colored patches of cloth and talking to himself.

Casting Guesses: John C. Reilly? I just don't think you can play Crazy Quilt if not for laughs.

Verdict: Ain't gonna happen. Relatively speaking, I don't hate my idea for a Crazy Quilt cameo, but I don't think he's well known enough to even include as a wink to the fans.

The Penny Plunderer

Joe Coyne (get it?) works hard to earn just pennies, gets fired for pitching pennies on the job, and when he tries becoming a thief he robs a cash register full of only pennies. In jail, he gives a truly impressive villainous rant: "When I get out, I'll get back at coppers and pennies! I'll fight coppers - with pennies! Every job I pull will involve pennies! My crime symbol will be pennies!" Committing penny-themed crimes, stealing antique penny banks and a rare one-cent stamp, the Penny Plunderer is mostly remembered as the man responsible for the giant penny that can be seen in the Batcave to this day.

Pros: Although the animated series had a much more clever origin (Two-Face strapped Batman and Robin to a giant penny which he launched into the air, given them a 50/50 shot at being crushed, but they landed face up), the Penny Plunderer's giant penny has appeared in hundreds of comics, so even though he only appeared the one time, he's somewhat legendary (his appearance collected here, the story ends with him being sentenced to death, which seems very un-Batman-ly).

Cons: Pennies 60 years ago weren't that much money, but with inflation they're practically worthless.

How I'd do it: I guess you could make him a militant anti-penny crusader

Casting Guesses: The drawings of Coyne kinda look like Ian McShane.

Verdict: Nope. But now that I think about it, Ian McShane could play a pretty great Batman villain.

The Sportsman

The Sportsman, aka Martin Mantle, was a poor athlete as a child. His father, some sort of a mad scientist, was hugely disappointed with his son, so he gave him an experimental treatment, injecting him with the RNA of a true athlete. He became a sports star in college but soon discovered that the treatment was killing him. So, equipped with a football helmet with a skull on it, baseball uniform pants, rocket skates, exploding basketballs, poison gas-filled golf balls, buzzsaw tennis rackets, and many terrible sports puns, he set off on a killing spree, taking out the famous athletes that fuel society's obsession with sports.

Pros: Buzzsaw tennis rackets are pretty cool.

Cons: I don't even know where to begin here.

How I'd do it: I guess I'd update "Tom Watson" in the pictured golf joke to "Tiger Woods," for one.

Casting Guesses: Everyone knows TV's Hunter Fred Dryer is the best athlete-turned actor (and the only man in NFL history to record two safetys in a game), but sadly he's past his prime. So I say Vinnie Jones.

Verdict: No, but you might see him in a remake of The Warriors where the Baseball Furies have decided to become more inclusive of other sports.

The Snowman

Klaus Kristin's mother nearly died in a fall in the Himalayas, but was rescued by a Yeti. After nearly deviating into Yeti-on-human pornography, Klaus is eventually born, and about 25 years later, he's a half-yeti albino who needs cold weather to survive. Miraculously, he's able to pass himself off as human, and is in fact a champion skiier. But since, at the time of the Snowman's introduction, Olympic athletes were amateurs, and his need for cold required frequent and expensive travel to colder climates, Klaus Kristin was forced to become a jewel thief, and with an ability to freeze things, he made short work of alarm systems and security guards.

Pros: The sequence where Klaus's mother is rescued and romanced by the Yeti is pretty fantastic (click to enlarge):


How can you not love a scene where a woman sleeps with a yeti without realizing he's a yeti?

Cons: Did I mention that the Snowman is half human, half yeti? And Mr. Freeze is a much better freezing things villain. Plus, the yeti love scene might be a little off putting to most. I'd say all, but I'm sure there's a message board dedicated to people who are really into that.

How I'd do it: Turn the lights down low in the cave, put on some Barry White, and do what comes natural to a sexy young thing and an abominable snowman.

Casting Guesses: Peter Mayhew obviously needs to play the father. The depictions of Klaus in non-Snowman mode really look like Simon Baker, so I'd go with him.

Verdict: Don't hold your breath.

The Monarch

Ok, just kidding. But a Venture Bros./Batman crossover would be awesome. Hank would obviously become the next Robin and die, Dean would have a massive crush on Barbara Gordon, and Brock would sleep with Catwoman and slit the Joker's throat. It could happen, right? The Cartoon Network and DC are corporate siblings. Anyway...

It's actually The Monarch Of Menace!


The Monarch of Menace, dressed as a king complete with crown, robe, and scepter, robbed a bank many years ago. Batman quickly dispatched the henchmen, but the Monarch of Menace took off on foot as his special shoes left a trail of glue with every step. Unprepared, Batman was defeated by the glue, electrified scepter, and poison gas from his robe, and the Monarch of Menace retired from crime to bask in the glory of being the one guy Batman never caught.

Now, the Monarch's son is fed up with his father getting all the glory, so he steals the Monarch suit and decides to make his own mark as a master criminal. Robin easily catches him, as he doesn't know how to use his father's suit, but the press goes crazy with the news that the Monarch of Menace has finally been brought to justice. Evil doers can't stand it when their villainous reputation is besmirched (reading all these old comics really makes me want to write like that), so the original Monarch of Menace comes out of retirement. Batman's ready for his tricks this time and easily dispatches the Monarch of Menace, and the caped crusader's crimefighting record is again unblemished.

Pros: He's extraordinarily unknown, having only appeared in the comics a few times, so even a lot of fans have no idea who he is. That means that announcing him as the villain would cause sales of the collection with his origin to skyrocket.

Cons: I doubt that very many copies of that collection are in print, so it'd cause eBay prices to skyrocket more than actual sales. And the Monarch of Menace is a gimmick villain with nothing to offer besides the king theme.

How I'd do it: I just wrote a synopsis for Venture Bros. fan fiction where they meet Batman, so I'm not sure I'm in any position to say how I'd write any story.

Casting Guesses: He hides behind his mask the entire time, so physically, he could literally be anyone. But The Monarch actually delivers the line "I herewith dub thee Sir Fool, Batman, for thinking you could ever capture the Monarch of Menace!" I can only imagine a guy like Eric Idle saying that. Or Mark Heap.

Verdict: As usual for Not In A Million Years Week, no chance.

News & Notes

I played around with the site quite a bit last night, so feed readers may have seen a number of older posts marked as new. Sorry about that. It was in an effort to make a handy master list of villains covered on the site.

Some stuff from around the web:

• Feminists are always concerned with how women are depicted in superhero stories, and Newsarama has a rundown on their reactions to Maggie Gyllenhaal's Rachel Dawes


• Comics writers talk about the Joker and about the big event in the comic books right now.


• Speculation on the next villain from Top Ten Reviews, Jane's Weblog, Culture Feast, Pop Critics

It's Not In A Million Years Week here, so I hope I can top today's silly villains with even sillier ones tomorrow. Oh, and check out the poll on the right about the future of the Joker. I'm curious what everyone thinks.

The Outsider

The Outsider was a villain from the 60s who had tormented Batman and Robin from afar for a while before they actually met. When they finally face off, Batman discovers that the Outsider has mental powers. He turns Robin into a coffin (don't ask), and Batman narrowly escapes the same fate before knocking the Outsider into a regeneration machine (click for a larger version):


Of course he looks familiar, Batman, that's none other than Alfred Pennyworth! Years earlier, I think because of paranoia over hidden messages in comics, they killed off Alfred (he pushed Batman and Robin out of the way of a boulder, only to be crushed himself) and brought in Aunt Harriet for a female presence at Wayne Manor. Then, with the success of the Alfred character in the Adam West TV show, they brought him back with a Princess Bride style solution: he was only mostly dead! Some scientist puts him in the regeneration machine, but it goes awry and the Outsider is born.

In classic comic fashion, after being turned back into his normal self by the pictured second exposure to regeneration rays, he remembers nothing of his villainous ways, and he goes back to Wayne Manor and everyone is happy again.

Pros: The Alfred character is hugely important to the Batman mythology, but sometimes it's hard to write him things to do besides be Batman's conscience when he returns home. And turning into the Outsider is a thing to do. It's classic Silver Age Batman.

Cons: Classic Silver Age stories are awesome in their own way and all (The Outsider's antics are collected in Showcase Presents volume 1 and volume 2), but have nothing to do with Batman Begins or The Dark Knight.

How I'd do it: Skip the part about Alfred dying. Skip the regeneration machine. Skip the mental powers and the ability to turn people into coffins. And don't call him the Outsider. I think I'm on to something here.

Casting Guesses: Michael Caine, naturally.

Verdict: No way. Unless my plan to leave Alfred completely unchanged counts.

Romana Vrezhenski

Romana Vrezhenski is a communist villainess who was for some reason introduced long after the fall of the Soviet Union. Troika is the only story I remember her from, and this was the best image I could come up with, but that big red star on her forehead is permanent. No relation to the Frank Miller villain that many comics readers will remember with the blond flat top haircut and the swastika tattoos on her breasts. Anyway, she teamed with KGBeast and other Soviet-themed villains, demanding a share of Wayne Enterprises' profits or she'd destroy their buildings.

Pros: Bald women with communist tattoos are an underrepresented minority in movies these days.

Cons: Her crime for profit scheme seems to go against the whole communist theme.

How I'd do it: The Soviet Union isn't a very good villain theme anymore, so maybe she could be North Korean, with a picture of Kim Jong-Il stamped on her forehead?

Casting Guesses: Can Sinead O'Connor act? Brigitte Nielsen in her heyday would have been great, but I think she's a crackhead now. Demi Moore (G.I. Jane) and Natalie Portman (V for Vendetta) have gone bald for movie roles already.

Verdict: Obviously not.

Ma Gunn

Ma Gunn kicks off Not In A Million Years Week. She runs Ma Gunn's School for Boys in Gotham's Crime Alley, hoping to set kids straight with some good old fashioned discipline... or so it would seem. She's secretly teaching them how to be better criminals, with lessons including the pros and cons of automatic weapons, and using the boys as her own personal mob.

Pros: Batman punches an old lady in the chin! I'd love to be in a theater full of innocent movie goers and hear the gasps of horror after Batman knocks an octogenarian out cold.

Cons: The fun of messing with the audience doesn't outweigh the general lameness of the character. Plus, she was introduced in the origin story of Jason Todd, the second (and worst) of the Robins, and we're already pretty sure there won't be a Robin in these Batman movies.

How I'd do it: I might just skip the story and have the next movie open with the exchange in the panels above.

Casting Guesses: It might be cool to see Angela Lansbury knocked on her ass. Or Betty White.

Verdict: Get ready for a whole week of this: absolutely not.

News & Notes

• Michael Caine isn't so sure about a third movie in the series


• In the latter half of this article, Dark Knight cast members suggest ideas for future villains.


• Creed from The Office (US version) uses Batman to pick up women


• A bunch of articles with villain speculation from: msnbc, ign, 2snaps, and some guy's blog.

With the Mad Hatter and Deadshot out of the way, I've covered two of my first three requests, but feel free to leave more in the comments. Unless they're incredibly stupid, they may have to wait, because next week is Not In A Million Years Week, covering some extraordinarily ridiculous villains (along the lines of Orca).

Deadshot

Floyd Lawton, way back in the early days of Batman comics, was inspired by stories of Batman to put on a tux, a domino mask, grab two guns, call himself Deadshot, and fight crime. In an effort to become the public's preferred protector of Gotham, he launched a campaign to paint Batman as a bad guy. The lesson, as always: don't piss off Batman. With Jim Gordon's help, Batman uncovers the plot to run the Dark Knight out of town so that Deadshot can take over organized crime in the city.

After spending some time in jail, and I think being mostly forgotten by comics writers, Deadshot re-brands himself as an assassin for hire, and equips himself with two pistols mounted on his wrists and a scope built into his mask. Since he's one of the best marksmen in DC comics, his services are in high demand.

The most unique and interesting aspect to the character is his lack of a self-preservation instinct. He's not suicidal, but the idea of going out in a blaze of glory is appealing to him. He's also been shown to have an odd code of ethics, where once he's been paid for a job, he feels responsible to carry it out. So in a pinch, he has no problem putting his own life in jeopardy if it might mean getting the job done.

Pros: His borderline death wish creates a lot of possibilities for dramatic action sequences, and he's certainly a different kind of antagonist than we had in The Dark Knight.

Cons: The scope mask and guns is the sort of comic book idea designed for your inner adolescent (or actual adolescents), which is the sort of thing these films seem to shy away from, preferring to try to pry adult drama out of the Batman mythos. Also, if you had a scope mounted to your eye, would that actually work? You mount the scope on the gun, because that lets you see where the gun is pointed. With the scope on your eye, it tells you where your eye's pointed. Which you should already know. Maybe that's been explained somewhere, I was never a big Suicide Squad reader, which is where Deadshot has made the bulk of his appearances.

How I'd do it: The death wish angle would have to be the focal point. Without killing him, how does Batman stop a killer who would much rather die than be stopped? Unless someone can explain the scope thing to me, that might have to be dropped, or at least changed to plain old night vision. And I'm not sure two guns would play well either. John Woo action would seem out of place in this world.

Casting Guesses: I honestly don't recall what Deadshot looks like under his mask. So he could be played by literally anyone. I'll throw out Karl Urban's name. He's pretty good at playing assassin types.

Verdict: Another guy who will certainly not be the main villain, but he could be a secondary one, or even just make a cameo.

Mad Hatter

Jervis Tetch is really into Alice in Wonderland. Really into it. His backstory is a little muddled to me, but as of late he's portrayed as a guy who has somehow come up with mind control technology. In the animated series, he was a neuroscientist who invented it himself, in the comics I'm not clear on what his background is or how he acquired the tech (originally, in the 40s, he didn't even do the mind control stuff, and he was just a hat-themed villain). The catch with the mind control seems to be that the one doing the controlling gets some sort of mental feedback that drives him insane. So his fondness for Alice in Wonderland blossoms into a whole career as the Mad Hatter, building mind control hats for nefarious schemes. For most of his existence, he's been a jolly old crazy guy who just happens to be a criminal, but semi-recently (beginning here, I think), he's often been portrayed as a pedophile with a penchant for little blonde girls named Alice.

Pros: The pedophile angle has made him downright creepy, which elevates him above most other gimmicky villains.

Cons: He's still gimmicky. Mind control technology is a tough fit in the environment they've built the films in. Molesting kids might not fly in a PG-13 movie either.

How I'd do it: Ditch the mind control. Tetch is an escaped Arkham inmate who gets hold of some drugs tainted by the Scarecrow, and he goes a new level of nuts. He kidnaps or murders a couple little girls named Alice. The pedophilia is implied, but never stated outright (which might make it that much creepier). Maybe there's a police sketch of him in a hat, and the press label him the Mad Hatter. He can quote Alice in Wonderland and wear the hat just so fans will recognize him, but I really can't see the more overtly gimmicky elements of the character working.

Casting Guesses: Dustin Hoffman already looks like Jervis Tetch, so he's the obvious choice, and although he's not the actor he once was, I still think he can put together a really disturbing character. If not, someone unsettling, like Clint Howard, but not actually Clint Howard. Garret Dillahunt maybe?

Verdict: Possible, but doubtful. The version I threw together barely resembles the Mad Hatter of the comics, so announcing him as a central villain, then changing him so much might be disappointing to fans. If he appears, it might be hard to make it more than a cameo.

Scarecrow

Dr. Jonathan Crane, psychologist and fear expert, dons a Scarecrow costume and messes up Batman with some crazy fear-inducing drugs. Hey, wasn't this guy already in Batman Begins, you ask? And The Dark Knight too, you also ask? Well, fictional reader, you're just full of questions, but we'll get to that.

Pros: We already know he works in these movies. Solid character, fits with the level of realism they've established, nifty special effects to represent the toxin in action.

Cons: We've already seen him, so it's a less exciting choice.

How I'd do it: Based on his brief appearance in The Dark Knight, Crane is still pushing his wares all over Gotham. Add fear drugs to already crazy escaped mental patients, and that might be a recipe for the wackier villains the Batman comics have to offer. So if you want to have a bird fetishist with an arsenal of umbrella weapons running around Gotham City, the Scarecrow is a great way to set the stage.

Casting Guesses: Cillian Murphy, obviously. Doesn't the main picture on his imdb page look a lot like Tom Welling from Smallville? That has nothing to do with anything, I just always thought it was weird.

Verdict: A definite possibility. He was a means to an end in Batman Begins and little more than a cameo in The Dark Knight, he could play a bigger role in the third movie, or have another cameo to set up the even crazier villains.

Maxie Zeus

Maxie Zeus had a really bad day, and he snapped. But he didn't have a regular old nervous breakdown, he started believing he was Zeus, the Greek god. Somehow, this delusion leads him to become a criminal. I've never fully understood why.

But I guess Batman stories need people committing crimes for Batman to stop, and sometimes they need themes. And Maxie Zeus a theme. He really seems like an old school Batman villain that made perfect sense in the stories of the 40s and 50s that seem incredibly campy to the 21st century reader, but Maxie Zeus only dates back to 1979.

Pros: Hmm... anyone have an idea here? I got nothing.

Cons: In my day, crazy people thought they were Napoleon, and that's just how it was, and we liked it. But yeah Maxie Zeus sucks.

How I'd do it: There's only one way to do it, and it entirely depends on casting...

Casting Guesses: Samuel L. Jackson. Think about it. Zeus is a god, not a man, so he doesn't have to be white. And even if he did, Maxie Zeus is crazy and wouldn't care. Plus, Sam Jackson looking all pimp in his Zeus throne, being all "I'm a thunderbolt throwin' motherfucker, motherfucker!" No other actor can pull that off and still look cool.

Verdict: Uh... no.

Harley Quinn

The folks behind the Batman animated series of the 90s did a lot of great things, but one of the best was the creation of Harley Quinn. Dr. Harleen Quinzel was a young psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum who was manipulated by the Joker into letting him escape. She was so charmed by him (and she's also crazy) that she got herself a harlequin costume and decided to be a sidekick to the Joker (who she refers to as either "Puddin" or "Mr. J."). The Joker doesn't really want her around, but once in a while he finds her useful, and shows her enough kindness to get her to do what he wants. Which is usually enough to keep her completely infatuated with him.

Harley was introduced into the comics universe later and was just as successful there, most notably in the Eisner Award winning Mad Love. She's grown a bit beyond just being Joker's sidekick, having bonded with Poison Ivy, worked on her own, and even joined a team of villains.

Pros: Her costume, often accompanied by a comically oversized wooden mallet, is a crowd pleaser. She's a very popular character in general and can be a whole lot of fun.

Cons: So much of her identity is tied in with the Joker, and Heath Ledger's performance was too brilliant, and his death too tragic, for anyone else to play the part. And even so, Harley Quinn fits in a more kid-friendly, comical Gotham City, where the Joker has a flower on his lapel that sprays crazy purple knockout gas, or he carries a gun that shoots out a flag that says "Bang!"

How I'd do it: Like Calendar Man, but for a different reason, I just wouldn't do it. If the Joker could come back, one could easily tell Harley's origin, starting the movie with Harleen examining the Joker in Arkham and run from there, but even then she might just be too comical for the tone they've set in the movies.

Casting Guesses: Kristen Bell can do bubbly, Britney Murphy can do crazy, Scarlett Johansson can fill out the costume nicely and she's a good enough actor that she can do something with the part. Either of the three would be fine. Anna Farris might be the best choice though.

Verdict: No. Can't do Harley without her Puddin', and I'm not sure they'd want to anyway.

KGBeast

Anatoli Knyazev (I have no idea how to pronounce that) was a cybernetically enhanced KGB assassin sent to the US to stop the Star Wars program Reagan was pushing in the 80s. When Batman had him as good as captured with a batarang line wrapped around KGBeast's wrist, the Beast did what any good solider would -- he chopped off his own hand. Naturally, since comic book characters in the late 80s and early 90s loved this kind of thing, he replaced his missing hand with a giant gun. Since the fall of the Soviet Union, he's usually just referred to as "The Beast," but I still like to call him KGBeast. It's a funny name.

Pros: KGBeast is a funny name?

Cons: KGBeast is a funny name. Also, everything else.

The gun on the arm is great for camp like Machine Girl, but awful in the Batman Begins context.

How I'd do it: I wouldn't in a million years.

Casting Guesses: Vin Diesel with a horrible Russian accent? But this is a villain from another time, he might have fit in the Joel Schumacher Batman movies if they'd been made in the late 80s, and he would've been played by Dolph Lundgren. Or maybe that guy who lip synched to Gene Hackman's voice in Superman IV.

Verdict: Easily the worst one I've covered yet. Compared to KGBeast, Calendar Man looks like a great idea.

The Joker

Ok, not really for the next Batman movie, but writer David S. Goyer told mtv.com that The Joker will have a cameo of sorts in Super Max, an upcoming project featuring Green Arrow and the Suicice Squad, set in a prison designed for supervillains.

Lady Shiva

One of the elite martial artists in the DC universe, Lady Shiva trained Batman, the current Robin, and Black Canary, and she's fought alongside the good guys on a number of occasions. But she's also a professional assassin, and thinks nothing of killing people, which doesn't exactly work for Batman.

Pros: Cool martial arts action, and an opportunity to explore some of Bruce Wayne's training to be Batman before the League of Shadows in Batman Begins.

Cons: A big chunk of Lady Shiva's story as it relates to Gotham comes from characters like Black Canary and Cassandra Cain, who don't exist in the films.

How I'd do it: Start with a flashback to Bruce Wayne after the death of Joe Chill but before the prison where Henri Ducard recruited him for the League of Shadows (he didn't learn to fight six (or seven) guys at once from some self defense class at the Gotham YMCA, right?), and he trains with Shiva. She's trying to teach him killing blows, but he refuses. Normally she'd refuse to train someone like that, but his passion to learn wins her over. Then we cut to the present day, and she's been hired by associates of Lau (the money launderer from The Dark Knight) to take out Batman. Lots of fighting, she probably figures out who he is, and... well Batman wins in the end.

Casting Guesses: I'm not really a martial arts movie fan, so someone will have to help me out here. An actress who can kick ass, look great, play both a 25 year old training Bruce and a 35 year old fighting Batman, and maybe speak English? Though it could work with subtitles too.

Verdict: She could really work. Fits in the world they've created, fills in some backstory that has to exist, nothing to goofy about the character. The role has to be cast well, which is obviously something I'm failing at, but with the right actress Lady Shiva could work well.

Huntress

The next Batman bad guy doesn't necessarily have to be bad, or a guy. The Huntress has clashed with Batman on a number of occasions, mostly because Batman doesn't approve of her methods. To borrow a phrase from every 70s cop movie, she's a loose cannon and she plays by her own set of rules. But before we get into it, some history. Back in the day, there were all sorts of different DC Comics worlds where Batman and Superman existed. In one of them, Batman got old, married Catwoman, and they had a kid, Helena Wayne, who grew up to be just like dad, but with a skimpier outfit and crossbows instead of batarangs. In the 80s, they ditched the multiple worlds concept, and since Bruce and Selina were too young to have a crimefighting daughter, The Huntress was re-imagined as Helena Bertinelli, the daughter of a Gotham crime lord who witnessed her parents' murders at the hands of rival gangsters. Like Batman, she grew up and decided to take on the Gotham mob, but unlike Batman, she was more interested in revenge than just cleaning up the streets. Hence the aforementioned clashing. Recently, the Huntress has hooked up with Barbara Gordon and joined the Birds of Prey, a great comic book series (especially under writer Gail Simone) which was turned into a terrible WB TV series in the early 2000s and quickly cancelled.

Pros: There aren't enough hot, slightly crazy in a good way, ass-kicking women in the movies. Plus, I think Helena Bertinelli is one of the more interesting characters Gotham City has to offer. And although I went with her more revealing costume for the header, she also has a more conservative one that the folks who freaked out over Black Canary Barbie can handle.

Cons: There's a whole lot of backstory to get through, which could make a Batman movie featuring the Huntress feel a lot more like a Huntress movie featuring Batman. And the association with the terrible TV series might scare off a studio from that idea. Plus my vague plot summary in the next section basically casts her as a sidekick in the end, and audiences would be confused about a non-Robin person at Batman's side.

How I'd do it: The generic Huntress/Batman conflict is her finding the guy who killed her parents and wanting to kill him, Batman intervenes because he doesn't believe in killing people, they fight, he wins, she gets pissed off and leaves. It's nothing fancy, and it would have to be structured around an actual villain, probably ending with them putting their differences aside and kicking the villain's ass, but it's a perfectly good story.

Casting Guesses: In the Catwoman writeup, I said I wasn't sure Megan Fox could act. In hindsight, she's not old enough to play Catwoman anyway. But she's physically perfect for The Huntress, the right age, and it's not as demanding a role as Catwoman. The Huntress is mostly just pissed off all the time. I can't even think of a second choice, to be honest, Megan Fox is it.

Verdict: Never gonna happen, the character carries too much baggage from the failed TV show and probably plays too much like a rebellious batgirl, but I think it would be awesome.

Orca

Chris Sims beat me to the punch on one of Batman's most ridiculous villains, giving a great rundown on Orca, the crazy marine biologist in an improbably realistic homemade whale costume. I couldn't do as good as writeup as Chris, so just go to the ISB

Verdict: We can only hope so.

Penguin

Oswald Cobblepot was born into money, but he was shunned from Gotham's high society because he's not exactly as handsome as Bruce Wayne. So he takes beloved birds and the penguin nickname he'd been teased with as a kid and goes into career villainy. Traditionally, he's just a standard criminal with a bird theme and a variety of umbrella weapons, but recently he's been transformed as the owner of the Iceberg Lounge nightclub who has more criminal connections than anyone (and conducts his business just as ruthlessly as his mafia friends).

Pros: Penguin, along with the Riddler and Catwoman, is one of the most famous villains yet to appear in the movie series, and his inclusion would please many fans. Although his

Cons: People either associate the character with Burgess Meredith or Danny DeVito. While I love Burgess Meredith's version, neither is at all what a Christopher Nolan Batman villain should be. When people hear about him being in the movie, they might get the wrong idea and avoid it. Penguin is also not physically imposing, so a movie with Penguin would lack a satisfying fight scene at the end. Plus, as I mentioned in Catwoman's entry, one of the writers said they wouldn't use any of the bad guys from the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher films, and Christopher Nolan specifically said in an interview with Esquire that "There are certain characters that are easier to mesh with the more real take on Batman we're doing. The Penguin would be tricky."

How I'd do it: The most important thing would be to get away from the Danny DeVito version. A mutated freak won't work. Physically, he'd just have to be an ugly chubby dude with a big nose. Jason Aaron, writer of Scalped, wrote a fantastic Penguin one shot (from which the above image was taken) for the Joker's Asylum series, which is probably the best Penguin story I've ever read. It captures the character, especially as it would work in a Dark Knight follow-up, perfectly. A rich nightclub owner with mob ties, ugly, wounded, and with a vicious mean streak.

Casting Guesses: Philip Seymour Hoffman was the rumor going around for a while, and he could certainly pull it off, but even though I did already suggest him for Hugo Strange, Paul Giamatti could nail it. UPDATE: Bob Hoskins is being rumored for the part as well, and he'd be a fine choice.

Verdict: It could be done, but I think it's a long shot, given what we've heard from the creative team. A few weeks ago I would've said no way, but that Jason Aaron book really revived my interest in the character.

More on Catwoman

Following up on my Catwoman post, I found a den of geek article suggesting 15 actresses who could play Catwoman. I had considered most of them: Jessica Alba would look great but not really bring anything else to the role, Eliza Dushku (though I love her so) is pretty much the same in everything she does and not very Catwoman-y, Scarlett Johansson has a great body but doesn't look particularly athletic (and also I won't stand for a blonde Selina). Anne Hathaway is someone I did not consider, but it could work, though she'd have to hit the gym. She's gorgeous, and on general aesthetics I wouldn't change a thing, but would have to be a little more muscular to look like she could pose a threat to Christian Bale's Batman. Rosario Dawson would make a great Catwoman but I have trouble seeing her as Selina Kyle. Part of Ms Dawson's appeal is that she's kinda geeky. Totally hot geeky, but I don't see her as... glamorous?

But while thinking about their list, two other names came to mind: Rachel Weisz and Missy Peregrym. Rachel Weisz is a great fit physically, but I don't know if she can quite capture the ass kicking seductress part of the character. As for Missy Peregrym, I have no idea if she's at all up to the part as an actor, but if you remember the trailers for Stick It, you know she's in great shape. But you probably just remember her from the first season of Heroes or Reaper, so at least you know she's a lovely young lady. Probably wouldn't ever happen, but it's at least fun to imagine her in the costume.

Obviously I'm a Catwoman fan, since I'm putting so much thought into this. Or at least, I'm a fan of the recent Catwoman... the purple suited, tailed, plain old thief, mostly an excuse for T&A version of the character is awful. But this will be the last word on Catwoman casting... until the next word.

(image stolen from Adam Hughes)

Someone knows who it'll be...

An article at mtv.com quotes David Goyer, but is little more than a tease:

The fact that Goyer has a theme he wants to keep in mind for a possible “Batman 3” means he also has a direction, a crisis, and, yes, a villain.

So what is it?

“I have one,” Goyer said laughing. “But I’m not going to tell you. Chris is very particular about that.

Black Mask

Black Mask is one of the many Batman villains who has a sort of anti-Batman origin. Roman Sionis' parents were wealthy jerks who eventually drove their son to kill them both. He took over the family business and ran it into the ground, then turned to a life of crime only to discover that he was quite good at it. After running a crime syndicate with a mask on, he was disfigured in a fire, and his Red Skull ripoff appearance became permanent. From No Man's Land to War Games, two of the biggest Batman events of the past decade, Black Mask was a major player in the comics (probably most notable for brutally killing Spoiler (sort of)), but for the past couple years he's been more involved in Catwoman's solo series. See wikipedia for more.

Pros: A non-superpowered villain who's basically just a meaner version of a traditional mob boss, Black Mask could fit in the Batman film universe without much change to his origin. Though derivative of a more famous Captain America villain, the black skull is a cool visual.

Cons: His origin story isn't terribly interesting. And part of The Joker's story in The Dark Knight was offering his services as a crazy killer to the mob, which is along the lines of what Black Mask would do. So it might be too similar to do in back-to-back movies.

How I'd do it: Not much would really have to be altered. Flashbacks to Roman and Bruce as kids (hopefully Linus Roache wouldn't be too busy with his TV gigs to reprise his Thomas Wayne role), Roman's parents are cruel, he grows up to be a criminal, disfiguring accident brings on the Black Mask thing, he does something horribly sadistic, then Batman kicks his ass. The End.

Casting Guesses: Being able to do crazy eyes is a must, since the Black Mask look doesn't give an actor much to work with but his eyes. James Callis is wonderfully crazy on Battlestar Galactica, but I've never actually heard him do an American accent. Jason Dohring might be too young to convincingly play a childhood friend of Christian Bale's, but he'd be a good fit for the part. I'm out of ideas though. Help me out in the comments.

Verdict: Possible, but not very likely. Black Mask, unlike Calendar Man, fits in the Batman Begins/The Dark Knight environment, but he just isn't that interesting.

Calendar Man

Julian Day (get it?) is crazy, obsessed with dates, and commits crimes with calendar/holiday/date themes.

Pros: Christopher Nolan and friends have cited Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale's The Long Halloween (pictured above) as a major influence, and the Calendar Man is one of the featured villains in that series.

Cons: Uh... read the description again, that's one giant con. Not long ago, IGN rated him as the worst Batman villain of all time. Venture Bros. fans may remember Mister Monday from early in season two, who helped show just how ridiculous the calendar theme is ("Oh, this is going to be so Mondaylicious!").

How I'd do it: I wouldn't.

Casting Guesses: I'd hate to inflict an awful role on anyone, but I think if you did someone like Calendar Man, you'd have to play it over the top, with lengthy, calendar-infused proclamations of Julian Day's criminal genius in a classic comic book villain style. And anyone who's ever seen A Knight's Tale knows that Paul Bettany can ham up a monologue better than anyone.

Verdict: Not a chance.

Firefly

Garfield Lynns was a movie pyrotechnics expert, but when he lost his job he turned to crime. His passion for fire lead him to arson for hire, and soon he was a full blown pyromaniac. Building a sweet looking suit with wings and a flamethrower he became Firefly, and he pops up in Gotham every once in a while trying to burn part or all of the city to the ground. Wikipedia mentions some stuff about his original theme being lighting effects instead of fire, which was news to me.

Pros: He's got a cool costume that could work in the movie universe. More importantly, Batman dangling from a rope while a guy flies around setting stuff on fire? How cool would that be?

Cons: Sadly, once you get past the costume and the potential for action scenes, the character just isn't all that interesting. The Joker is so much more than a crazy guy in clown makeup, but Firefly is just a crazy guy in a suit.

How I'd do it: He can't carry the movie, but he could be a secondary enemy. Like The Scarecrow in Batman Begins, maybe. Or more like how at the beginning of James Bond movies, Bond foils some evil plot with a lengthy action sequence, and then the plot begins. I could see a Batman movie opening with a great Firefly scene, then a scene of a tied up Firefly in a beat up (and still smoking) suit sitting outside Gotham City PD.

Casting Guesses: I have to be honest, I don't even remember what Garfield Lynns even looks like with the suit off. It was hard to come up with a decent picture for the header. But since in my mind he won't be a major character, he doesn't have to be a big star either. So I'll randomly throw out Callum Blue, who I thought was really good on Dead Like Me.

Verdict: Maybe, but not in any featured role.

Hugo Strange

Hugo Strange is barely known outside of the comics world, but he's one of Batman's first villains, appearing just before both The Joker and Catwoman. He's been written as a mad scientist, Victor Frankenstein-style, and as a regular doctor who just happens to be an evil genius. Wikipedia has more.

Pros: Both Batman Begins and The Dark Knight focus Batman's attention on organized crime, and his interaction with the villains comes as a result of his pursuit of the mob, and the story I most associate with Strange (see below) can tie in nicely with what has come before. Also, this choice would earn major fanboy props for going with a villain most of the audience had never heard of. And getting character drama out of a psychiatrist seems pretty easy.

Cons: Fanboy props aren't worth much, since the trailer could show Christian Bale and Christopher Nolan holding giant bags of money and saying "thanks for making us rich, come see the third one and make us richer!" and everyone who knows who Hugo Strange is would still be there opening weekend. Many in the general audience still only know Batman from the Adam West series and the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher movies, and using a villain those fans know is good for business. With Batman Begins, the creative team already showed a willingness to go with the obscure bad guys, but there might be pressure to stick with the better known foes after the success of The Dark Knight.

How I'd do it: A mad scientist doesn't fit too well in the film franchise universe, which is extremely realistic compared to most superhero movies, so the evil genius doctor it is. The best known Hugo Strange story (or at least best known to me) is from Strange Apparitions, in which Bruce Wayne visits a hospital run by Strange. Using his bag of evil genius tricks, Strange learns that Bruce Wayne is Batman, and decides to auction Batman's identity off to the highest bidder. This is, as I mentioned above, a perfect opportunity to have Gotham's gangsters bid on the secret. Or just try to beat it out of him.

Casting Guesses: I can't just pick one here, so here are three who would play the character very differently, I'm sure, but all would be great: Ben Kingsley, Paul Giamatti, and Zeljko Ivanek. Kingsley looks the part probably better than anyone. But Giamatti's such a fantastic actor that I know he'd do something unique and interesting. And Zeljko Ivanek has made a career out of playing seedy characters (and he was fantastic in Damages) which would be perfect for Hugo Strange.

Verdict: Hugo Strange wouldn't be my first choice, but I wouldn't have a problem with him either.

Agree? Disagree? Let me know in the comments.

Catwoman

Let's start with the most famous of the remaining enemies. Selina Kyle, Gotham socialite, lives a secret life as a costumed thief with a feline fetish who is on occasion involved romantically with Batman. Beyond that, her character has varied a lot over the years, and as you can see (from the cover of Catwoman: Nine Lives of a Feline Fatale), her costume has changed just as much. She's been a straight villain, a thief with a conscience, a protector of Gotham's East End, and briefly some kind of hooker dominatrix in Year One. See wikipedia for more.

Pros: Nothing against Rachel Dawes, but Bruce Wayne could use a stronger woman in his life. And Catwoman is as strong as it gets in Gotham. Catwoman is sexy, can hold her own in a fight, share's the Bat's fetish for tight fitting clothing, and lots of fun secret identity games can be played with Selina/Bruce and Batman/Catwoman. And without some of the goofiness factor that plagues a lot of Batman's villains, Catwoman would fit perfectly in the Gotham City of the Nolan Batman series.

Cons: The Halle Berry Catwoman stinker is too fresh in people's memories, and would probably scare Warner Bros. off the idea. The character has also been heavily exposed to the non-comic book community, having been played by Ms. Berry, Michelle Pfeiffer, Julie Newmar, Eartha Kitt, and Lee Meriweather. Plus, David S. Goyer, who wrote Batman Begins and gets a story credit on The Dark Knight, said he doesn't want to go with a villain who's already been in a movie. That doesn't mean it can't happen, since Goyer doesn't necessarily have final say on the matter, but it's certainly unlikely.

How I'd do it: Current Captain America writer Ed Brubaker and New Frontier's Darwyn Cooke revamped Catwoman in 2001 and it's been a top quality title ever since. Brubaker stayed on as writer for several years before handing over the reins to Will Pfeifer, who's done some excellent work of his own. I'd draw from their interpretation of the character. The more practical costume (center, above, with neither tail, heels, nor hooker boots), the antihero/thief who clashes with Batman's more strict morality, the protector of Gotham's street kids, junkies, and working girls.

Casting Guesses: Angelina Jolie (the default femme fatale choice these days) and Kate Beckinsale (she's already rocked a black catsuit a couple times) are the first women who come to mind, but they might be too obvious. I would very much like to stare at Megan Fox for a couple hours, but I'm not sure she can actually act. Carla Gugino would've been perfect a few years ago, but I think she might be a little past the age where an audience can buy her going toe to toe with Batman. The real answer for casting would, I think, be a relative unknown, but if I had to pick someone, I'd go with Charlize Theron.

UPDATE: More on Catwoman casting here.

UPDATE #2: Angelina Jolie is the first big (and unconfirmed) rumor for Catwoman casting, but there are now more (also unconfirmed) rumors that Maggie Gyllenhaal's Rachel Dawes character will somehow become Catwoman in the next movie. I don't buy it, but there are details here

UPDATE #3: Anne Hathaway is playing Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises. See this page for all about Catwoman.

Verdict: Catwoman could fit perfectly with these movies, but it's probably not going to happen.

Would Catwoman work? Can people get over the awful Halle Berry movie? Should the third movie feature the Frank Miller prostitute Catomwan? Is there a perfect casting choice I didn't think of? And who should I look at next? Let me know in the comments.

Introduction: The Dark Knight Kicked Ass

It kicked all kinds of ass. And Heath Ledger's Joker is easily the best comic book villain to appear in a movie. Aaron Eckhart's Harvey Dent/Two Face wasn't too shabby either. But since The Dark Knight has already made enough money to build a solid gold Batmobile, there will absolutely be a third movie in the series. Which means Christian Bale's Batman will need someone to administer beatings to.

I'll check in from time to time to discuss a candidate in detail until they announce the choice(s) or I run out of Batman villains, whichever comes first. Pros, cons, my random guess at who could play the character, and how I'd go about adapting the character for the big screen. And please offer your thoughts in the comments!

Villain List

You can check them out by category: just the big names, the gimmick/themed bad guys, the assassins, organized crime, and the rest of the villains. Or some characters who aren't villains at all.

Or by my opinion on how likely we are to see them: the best fits, the maybes, and the no ways.

Or just a big alphabetical list:

Amanda Waller
Amygdala - Aaron Helzinger
Azrael - Jean-Paul Valley
Bane - Update on Bane here.
Batzarro
Black Mask - Roman Sionis
Blockbuster
Calculator - Noah Kuttler
Calendar Man - Julian Day
Captain Stingaree
Catman - Thomas Blake
Catwoman - Selina Kyle - Update on Catwoman here.
Cavalier
Clayface
Clock King
Cluemaster - Arthur Brown
Cornelius Stirk
Crazy Quilt
David Cain
Deacon Blackfire
Deadshot - Floyd Lawton
Deathstroke - Slade Wilson
Doctor Death
Doctor Phosphorus
Firefly - Garfield Lynns
Great White Shark
Hangman
Harley Quinn - Harleen Quinzel
Holiday
Hugo Strange
Hush
Huntress - Helena Bertinelli
KGBeast - Anatoli Knyazev
Killer Croc - Waylon Jones
Killer Moth
Lady Shiva
Ma Gunn
Mad Hatter - Jervis Tetch
Magpie
Man-Bat - Dr. Kirk Langstrom
Matches Malone
Maxie Zeus
Monarch of Menace
Monk
Mr. Freeze - Victor Fries
Mutants
Orca - Grace Balin
Outsider - Alfred Pennyworth
Penguin - Oswald Cobblepot
Penny Plunderer - Joe Coyne
Poison Ivy - Pamela Isley
Ra's al Ghul
Ratcatcher
Reaper
Red Hood
Riddler - Edward Nygma/Nigma/Nashton
Romana Vrezhenski
Rupert Thorne
Scarecrow - Jonathan Crane
Signalman
Snowman - Klaus Kristin
Solomon Grundy
Sportsman - Martin Mantle
Superman - Clark Kent
Talia al Ghul
Tally Man
Ten-Eyed Man
Trigger Twins
Tweedledee and Tweedledum
Two-Face - Harvey Dent
Ventriloquist & Scarface
Whisper A'Daire
Zsasz

I'm usually working a day or two ahead, but if there's someone you'd like to see, leave a comment and I'll get on it ASAP.

And the non-villains, alphabetically:

Ace the Bat-Hound
Aunt Harriet
Bat-Mite
Batgirl - Barbara Gordon
Batgirl II - Cassandra Cain
Harold Allnut
Huntress - Helena Bertinelli
Jason Bard
Leslie Thompkins
Mackenzie Bock
Nightwing - Dick Grayson
Oracle - Barbara Gordon
Robin I - Dick Grayson
Robin II - Jason Todd
Robin III - Tim Drake
Robin IV/Spoiler - Stephanie Brown
Robin V/Catgirl - Carrie Kelly
Sasha Bordeaux